September 2002: In the interest of anthropological exploration, we ventured to the last remaining straight porno theater in Los Angeles, one of those old-fashioned kind with a lobby, a big screen, popcorn, and other people in the audience with you. Conclusion: Eeew.

As a means of preserving the memory of this event, here is a test of porn knowledge, with some crap at the beginning to justify the existence of the test. This test, appropriately enough, was rejected by Scram magazine.

I stole some of the questions--when I find the link, I'll post them on the number of the question.

Do You Know Your Porn?
By Eric Howard

As a true art form of the masses, porn has always embraced--or even been the mother of--technological innovation. While the music industry (which is supposedly as evil and resourceful as the antichrist) whines like a little kid who has dropped his ice cream cone over the loss of its profit model, porn keeps adapting, cheerily defying the efforts of authority figures to keep it under control. Where it is illegal, black markets spring up. Where it is legal, it is widely available.

During the Civil War, soldiers were ready consumers of a newfangled technology--the photograph‹used for pornographic purposes. And with today's high speed Internet connections and peer-to-peer file sharing, porn continues to the way in mass-produced entertainment. You may think it is gross, and you can say it is degrading and exploitative, but you may also want to give it some respect, because people--or even the people--spend more money on porn than they do on about any other form of entertainment.

You can say God hates of porn, but meanwhile, his greatest creation is making it and enjoying it. Perhaps Pee Wee Herman should have made an action movie and blown away some Arabs to regain the respect and the television show he lost when he was arrested at a porno theater, but maybe what he was arrested for wasn't all that terrible or unusual.

Incidentally, porno theaters are the latest victims of the Darwinian advance of the VCR, DVD, and Internet porn delivery systems. When you go to a porn theater, you risk being seen walking in the door, and once you are inside, you may find yourself in close contact with people you do not want to associate with. (If you do enjoy the company, then the demise of porn theaters is a sad thing indeed.) But now you can buy or rent all kinds of kink to enjoy in the privacy of your home, and you don't have some porn version of Jack Valenti baying about how copying a CD or DVD is going to destroy civilization. It is true, however, that some porn stars bemoan the demise of filmed porn, because videotape lacks the "legitimacy" of film.

But those who make video porn may take comfort in realizing that only today's porn reflects a decline in values. Almost everyone sees mid-twentieth century porn, for example, as harmless fun. Bettie Page, volleyball-playing nudists, and black rectangles over the eyes are now universally accepted kitsch. Finally, thanks to file sharing, porn is becoming democratic, as people post pictures of themselves in online amateur galleries and place Webcams in their bedrooms.

If you don't like porn, you might be some kind of elitist snob, and that would be terrible. The test that follows is scientifically calibrated to separate porn enthusiasts from the wannabes. Answer the questions, don't cheat, and check your score. Some of the questions are easy, and some of them are, ahem, hard.

1. This special prosecutor's sexually explicit official report became the basis for the impeachment of president Bill Clinton.
a. Kenneth Star
b. Antonin Scalia
c. John Sirica
d. Newt Gingrich

2. Nora Louise Kuzma is a sometime techno music diva who made regular appearances on television show Melrose Place‹and who faced legal troubles for having made porn videos while underage by using a fake ID.
a. Traci Lords
b. Tori Spelling
c. Annabel Chong
d. Annie Nguyen

3. In this high-grossing film, Lena Nyman is a sociologist trying to study Swedish class structure while having an affair. She and her lover have sex in her bedroom, in front of the Royal Palace, in a tree, on the grass, and in a lake.
a. Last Tango in Paris
b. The Marriage of Eva Braun
c. I Am Curious (Yellow)
d. The Story of O

4. This fat, hairy "hedgehog" has enjoyed a highly successful career in pornographic videos, allowing him to quit his job as a special education teacher.
a. Jimmy D. Johnson
b. John Dough
c. Randy West
d. Ron Jeremy

5. In 1993, this man had his career as a sexually abusive husband cut short by his wife, but this did not keep him from making a pornographic video that demonstrated his full recovery from the injury that she had inflicted upon him.
a. Joey Buttafuco
b. Leo DeVille
c. John Wayne Bobbit
d. Juan Cortado

6. While a student majoring in gender studies at USC, Annabel Chong made this video--thereby, according to one porn industry veteran, giving the adult entertainment industry "a bad name."
a. Stupid Girl Tricks
b. The World's Largest Gang Bang
c. Truck Stop Jamboree
d. Love Barn III: Endangered Species

7. In the obscenity lawsuit Jacobellis v. Ohio, this justice made the famous observation about the legal definition of pornography: "I know it when I see it."
a. Lewis Powell
b. William Rehnquist
c. Potter Stewart
d. Earl Warren

8. In 1981 at 8764 Wonderland Avenue in Los Angeles, this tall, thin porn star famous for his natural talent was forced to involve himself in a quadruple murder, allegedly by a drug dealer bent on revenge for an earlier robbery.
a. Harry Reems
b. John Holmes
c. Steve Reebs
d. John Henry

9. This pioneering art photographer also took naked photographs of his wife, Georgia O'Keefe.
a. Alfred Stieglitz
b. Ansel Adams
c. Edward Steichen
d. Weegee

10. In 1912, a woman appeared on the stage completely nude for the first time in modern history at this Paris landmark. The resulting outrage was so fierce that within a few years, every Paris revue featured at least one naked woman.
a. Moulin Rogue
b. Folie-Bergeres
c. Rive Gauche
d. Deux Chats

11. In 1998, this former porn actress and lead singer of the notorious rock band The Plasmatics took her own life after many years out of the limelight.
a. Wendy O. Williams
b. Terri Nunn
c. Suzi Quatro
d. Dale Bozzio

12. This painting by Edouard Manet caused a riot when it was first shown in 1863, not because it featured a female nude but because it featured what was considered a gratuitous female nude.
a. Luncheon on the Grass
b. The Workers in the Field
c. Whistler's Sister
d. The Rustle in the Glade

13. In 2002, a car accident claimed the life of this actress and sometime antiporn crusader whose film Deep Throat broke box-office records and oral taboos.
a. Nina Hartley
b. Marilyn Chambers
c. Linda Lovelace
d. Pearl Bailey

14. In 1990, this gay porn star was found dismembered in a dumpster on Santa Monica Boulevard. His oeuvre includes the video Imperfect Strangers.
a. Sam Whaler
b. Billy London
c. Derek Deepum
d. Jeff Stryker

15. This novel allegedly made £10,000 for its publisher, a fortune in 1749. The book tells of the adventures of its titular heroine, who successfully pursues her fortune the old-fashioned way in London.
a. Memoirs of a Prostitute
b. Neddy Flanders
c. Clarissa
d. Fanny Hill

16. In the 1990s in China, only prominent people were allowed to read this book by D. H. Lawrence, and they were only given this privilege only after they had obtained a certificate signed by several superiors and stating that they would only use it for academic purposes.
a. She Put the Wow in Mao
b. Women in Love
c. The Man without Qualities
d. Lady Chatterly's Lover

17. In the late 19th century, doctors began using this new device to help them induce "hysterical paroxysm" in women patients as a treatment for stress, fatigue, menstrual cramps, and other general ills.
a. foaming bath salts (bubble baths)
b. the latex glove
c. the steam-powered massager
d. the lace-up leather boot

18. Arriving in Hollywood at age 40, this woman soon became a world-famous sex symbol.
a. Jane Fonda
b. Kim Basinger
c. Bea Arthur
d. Mae West

19. Not satisfied with his role in the success of a television comedy series about a Nazi prison camp, this man also made even riskier kinds of pictures before being beaten to death with a camera tripod, perhaps by a jealous husband.
a. Dick Van Dyke
b. Bob Crane
c. Alan Hale
d. Adam West

20. In a surprise shift in American cultural norms, in the mid-1950s this actress's career was enhanced rather than ended when a magazine published nude photos of her that had been taken before she became famous.
a. Mamie Van Doren
b. Jayne Mansfield
c. Kim Novak
d. Marilyn Monroe

Answers

1. a
2. a
3. c
4. d
5. c
6. b
7. c
8. b
9. a
10. b
11. a
12. a
13. c
14. b
15. d
16. d
17. c
18. d
19. b
20. d

Score
20-19: You are an expert in pornography. Congratulations.
18-17: You can hold your own at an art opening.
16-15: Your knowledge of pop culture trivia is pretty good.
14-13: What, did you spend your teenage years studying schoolwork?
12-below: You probably suck at just about everything.

Main